Cleanse-Jan 24 2011

So I am on day 1 of 5 days that I cannot eat, which is part of this cleanse I have committed to doing. I am feeling very good about it, believe it or not. So much has happend in the past 72 hours, that I feel this is the best way to document it and get you all up to speed.

I decided a couple of months ago, that on the 20th of January that I would begin this cleanse, where you gradually eat healthier and less and less until you get to where you don't eat anything for 5 days, but you do take these herbs mixed with organic apple juice every 3 hours...so wed night, Bynum took me out to dinner for one final hoorah...I had decided that no matter what happend, I wasn't going to let a fight ensue...because that is usually what happens when we both have alcohol..and would you believe, that even though he tried to pick a few fights, I didn't let it happen, and I made sure we got home safely..drank water and went to bed, even though I had the next 2 days off....

The problem is, even though I had the next 2 days off, there was a bakery meeting a from 7-8 in the morning, and I didn't wake up until 8...oooops...so I called, and to make a very long story short, I realized, I was probably getting fired...because I had been put on my "Final" some time back during the holidays...anyways, it's stupid...but I knew the rules and I broke them anyway.

So I went to work saturday morning and worked as usual, sort of hoping I wouldn't get fired, but knowing that I most likely was, and come 1pm...well, I did. I was sad that I wouldn't be seeing the people I like and work with as often, but strangely, I was relieved.

I have been trying to think about what I want to do, as a career, when I grow up, and even though I am not 100% sure, I think that I want to be a wedding/event planner and the company I want to work for is... http://www.taraguerardsoiree.com/gallery/ They only take 10-12 events a year, but as you can see, they are all top dollar, and done very well, and on top of all of that, they have a New York office. I believe I would be very good at this. I believe I would enjoy it. and I believe, I could make a good bit more money doing it...which will allow me to travel. Which is ultimately what I want to do. So, let me know what you think. Just give me a few days... because the other part of my big news is that, Bynum and I are no longer together either. I have told him we could be friends, and that is about all I can offer right now. Yes, we got into and argument saturday night...but that isn't what did it...what did it was me realizing after yoga, and watching the movie "What the Bleep do we know" at the yoga studio, and then him not calling when he got off of work to see how I was doing or anything,...and then me calling him around 11 to see if all was okay only to realize he was about 3-4 beers in the wind...well, it hit me...I was wasting my time. He isn't a bad a person, but just like I did when Marty and I dated the first time...he is making unhealthy choices... I know because there was a time I would have much rather had wine and smoky treat than to be with Marty...and well, as heartbreaking as it is...I know that the only thing I can "control" for lack of a better term right now is me...so, we talked this morning, and we will be friends. I told him who knows what can happen in the future, and that is true. I do love him very much, but we haven't been good for one another. So this is my solution. I have decided that I don't need to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now because it is only going to distract me from what I want to do...so a year sounds like a good start.

So to wrap it all up;I don' t have a job or boyfriend...but I do have my health and all of you...I still have my yoga, and strangely, I feel more sane and at home with myself than I have in years...I am actually doing really well. Just give me a few days to get through this more challenging part of the cleanse and I would love to talk with all of you, but right now...I am just deep cleaning...my house and myself.

Also, the other thing I have thought about doing until I can convince Soiree they need to hire me, is to get a job a Hominy Grill http://hominygrill.com/ It is in walking distance from my house...it is geared towards tourists, it's high volume, therefore has a high turnover rate, but they are not open late, they don't really serve alcohol and they make a ton of money, from what I understand...all of this sounds good to me.

I am sorry I have not been in better contact with all of you. I love you all very much, but I have just been trying to work all of this stuff out in my head...probably for the past couple months...and I think I am finally on a great path. I may need you all ot remind to stay strong from time to time...but I won't lean too much, I know you all have your own lives and things to deal with and I want to there for you as well. So lots of love, and we shall talk soon!

Dec 9-Visiting Yoga teacher

I first want to apologize for dropping of the face of the blog for so long...and with some of you, the planet. As you all know, I have been dating Bynum for a little over 3 months now and well, it's been really good but we have had our rough patches too. To make a long story short, I have rediscovered the statement that "you have to be the change you wish to see in the world." And it is also not good to throw stones in a glass house...so basically the only thing I can control is how much good i take in and put out, and the same goes for, well lets just say unhealthy or non-supportive.

I can't say that I have been in the best place emotionally, which is why i have been so distant...i know you there to listen to me and help me out, but you also know how I am, and I like to try to get a handle on things myself before I start to share with everyone...i guess it is my way of protecting you from my negativity and also, protecting me from having to see myself in the mirror through you. And believe me, I know that your love for me is much kinder than I can be to myself at times, so I say that with love.

Needless to say, I have done well today...so Day 1 of taking back my life and going after the life I want to live, regardless of what that means with anything present in my life...I have to release the control...release the fear and push forward to the life that I want, and just let the cards fall as they may.

I will write more details later...but I just wanted to share that I realize I have been spiraling a little...and not necessarily in a direction that I want to go, but sometimes we have to keep doing it the wrong way, until the light bulb goes off in our head to start spiraling upward.

I love you all very much and I will talk with each of you soon.

Reiki

I just had my very first Reiki session and all I can say is WHOA!!!!

I saw the life I have always wanted, like a movie projected in my mind...it wasn't linear, just bits and pieces...but it made my body tingle all over. I asked the practioner afterwards, if it was real...and she said, I don't know you tell me. And I started crying, and I said, I hope so....it's the life I want. So she asked why I wasn't living it, and I told her because I knew that It wouldn't go in line with the way everyone else lives and they would judge me and tell me that I wasn't strong enough, and I was afraid they may be right. She smiled, and grabbed my hand, and told me that I was strong enough.

She also said that there was a male pressence that was very repressive, and that it was very strong. I guess that could be true in any females life..but she did say that I was the one holding me back with it...that it was time to let it all go, that it was blocking my creative energy. I believe all of it.

So, quickly before I forget, the life that I saw. I was standing on the SE corner of Union Square, it was a beautiful spring day in New York. I could see it the way I have seen it so many times before. Another scene there was me pregnant...walking through Ami's Bite on 14th, and the baby is his. I am pretty sure we are married. He has already taken me to Isreal to meet his family and we don't live like everyone else...I don't know how, I just know it's different. I don't feel caged...or like I am caging him..so maybe we live seperately, I don't know...I don't know the details, I just know there is love, admiration, devotion, and kindness. I know that it is just what I have always wanted. And I also look more girly..my hair was longer, I was in alot of flowey (sp?) skirts...he was kissing me, that sweet way he always does.

I know it may sound crazy, but it's what I want. I have no idea if it will ever actully happen or how to even go about getting there, so I am just going to surrender to the universe, and let things go the way they are supposed to.

In the meantime, the other thing she said to do was to support my feminine energy more and to be softer to myself...to not always push so hard, to do more, be more, accomplish more....I could only laugh.

Where I am today

There isn't much more to add to this post. I have had a wonderful 33rd birthday and lots of things have surprised me both at work and in my personal life, even with just new friends...and old ones. But today I have been thinking, "What do I want my life to look like?" I have ad all of these possible opportunities thrown my way, and some I am not so sure about....and others I am pretty sure about. Then I went to yoga tonight, got home,was eating some fresh cherries and came across this...I think it sums it up.

August 9, 2010
Back in the Driver’s Seat
The Passenger

Too much on your daily plate lands you in the passenger seat when you should be in the driver’s seat.

It’s easy to go through this fast-paced world feeling as if you are being dragged through your weeks on the back of a wild horse. Many of us go from one thing to another until we end up back at home in the evening with just enough time to wind down and go to sleep, waking up the next morning to begin the wild ride once more. While this can be exhilarating for certain periods of time, a life lived entirely in this fashion can be exhausting, and more important, it places us in the passenger’s seat when really we are the ones who should be driving.

When we get caught up in our packed schedule and our many obligations, weeks can go by without us doing one spontaneous thing or taking time to look at the bigger picture of our lives. Without these breaks, we run the risk of going through our precious days on a runaway train. Taking time to view the bigger picture, asking ourselves if we are happy with the course we are on and making adjustments, puts us back in the driver’s seat where we belong. When we take responsibility for charting our own course in life, we may well go in an entirely different direction from the one laid out for us by society and familial expectations. This can be uncomfortable in the short term, but in the long term it is much worse to imagine living this precious life without ever taking the wheel and navigating our own course.

Of course, time spent examining the big picture could lead us to see that we are happy with the road we are on, but we would like more time with family or more free time to do whatever we want at the moment. Even if we want more extreme changes, the way to begin is to get off the road for long enough to catch our breath and remember who we are and what we truly want. Once we do that, we can take the wheel with confidence, driving the speed we want to go in the direction that is right for us.

Inception

What an amazing movie....i just watched it with my friend from work at the $5 movies that she loves on tuesday night....and all I can say is WOW! It has my head turning....in reference to what has been happening to me lately, on the inside.

I have been on this journey, towards myself...reading and trying to immerse myself in yoga and "my stuff" trying to understand me, and how I see myself, and how the world sees me and I realize that they do not always coincide. I don't know if I will be able to write any of this where it will make sense to anyone else but me, but i feel as though I have to get some of it out.

So there has been this issue with work, or better yet, I should say issues...it seems that the morning crew has been talking alot about me, and who they think I am, and where I fit into their bakery world....and this i know is on a small scale, but it affects me, at least internally. Because I realize that I go into work everyday and for the most part I work my butt off, trying to get as much production done as possible, be as kind to customers as I can, all the while watching what happens to me in a day and trying to remember that all of the things that do happen come from this place of seeds that I have previously planted....therefore the only way to stop the cycle, is if I change....So where must I change? Internally of course...sounds so much easier than doing sometimes, in the moment.

It seems that some people think I am too good of friends with my boss, which is funny, because we have only hung out once outside of work....but we do get along really well at work, and when there has ever been an issue, I have gone to her, mainly to keep her up to date with what I have said and done, so that she knows what is going on when she isn't around, and so that way whenever she hears something, say from someone else, she will know that what I said or did came from a place of compassion or maybe it was selfish....maybe i just wanted her to see my side. I don't really feel that is the case, but it could be a possibility. I mean if there is truly 3 sides to every story, yours,mine, and the truth...then as I was told, that must mean that I believe in absolute truth...and I don't know if even that is the case, other than I am now starting to believe that maybe the situation is neutral and i make it one thing from my side, and someone else makes it another thing from their side, and those two perceptions are very different...so where does the truth lie? And why do I care so much...about the truth? Or is it that I care about being right? Is it my ego rearing up it's nasty little head?

All that i know is that it hurts...it hurts to see people twist things to make them into something that I never said or meant...but haven't I done that to others? The answer is yes, I have. I can most recently remember feeling that way towards Marty, and I am sure he was as dumbfounded then, as I am now...so isn't that just the seeds I planted, showing back up? I mean, we do this all day long, without even realizing it. Our preconceived notions of ourselves and others, dictate how we view a moment in time, or another human being, or an exchange with someone, or just an occurrence that happens...We, or maybe I should just say I, are so quick to judge, and jump to a conclusion or to feel a certain way about things, make an assumption, hasty judgment, and then act or react off of that.....which could be the worst thing to do. So much talking and not enough listening, or understanding.

I think at this point I need to give myself and others a break for not understanding everything...and even if I understand something in theory, believe it to be true, but I simply haven't mastered using that train of thinking on a daily basis, or even a moment to moment basis...I need to be more forgiving to myself and to others...because this standard in which I hold myself to, basically will set me up for failure...and then the guilt comes in...and the guilt is unnecessary and it only plants more negative seeds...so if I know all of this, then I can stop it.

I mean, who do I think I am anyway? Even the Dalai Lama knows it takes lifetimes of practice...why do I think I can get it all in a day, or a week, or a month? Why do I feel as if there isn't enough time for me to do and accomplish all that I want to? Why do I think I should be so much farther along, than I am? Farther where? to what? Closer to what thing or purpose?

I have been so focused on me, that I have disconnected myself from how what I say and do is affecting others and myself in these ways...I am not even going to say positive or negative...it's just cause and effect. And now, I know, that I cannot make everyone happy, even though I want to...or should I say, that is my old programming...But i still have to remember the human aspect of these things...that we do affect people, whether we like it or not, constantly...and whereas we cannot control the outcome...we can make a conscious effort to be more real and honest with ourselves, and then hopefully that will make me speak my truth, calmly, instead of in haste, or defense of our own ego or whatever....

I do not have it all figured out,by no means...but I am realizing that parts of me are getting things, even if it is in the subconscious, and that will eventually roll over into my conscious life, if i am just patient and kind with myself.....and also with others.

So I have to face me...and all of my flaws, and still somehow love me where I am now...which is lost, and a little scared, and a bit lonely. And I know that I can't grasp for love or acceptance or even kindness...I just have to give, and have faith, and know that all is coming..... And that is all largely dependent upon my perception, of MY reality...and no one elses...It's like Rudyard Kiplings "IF."

So that is all I have for now. I just have to let go...let go of it all.....like this morning in yoga, just jump forward and don't tell myself that I couldn't do it yesterday, because I may be able to do it today, and even if I can't, it doesn't mean I failed....each moment is another opportunity to breathe and try again, maybe this time, without fear or judgement.

2 things before work...

1. I HIGHLY recommend that EVERYONE read "How Yoga Works" even if you never wanted to do the physical practice...it is such an amazing book. I have been savoring it for some time now....and now it is about time to move on to another, which I have many to read...but i want to go back through it at some point and make "notes" for myself. It's wild to feel love from a book, but I do.

2. I read this last night when I go home from work, and I thought it is something that I should keep in mind. I don't know about anyone else, but I do know that at times, I get attached to what I think the outcome should be of a certain situation, or what I think someone should do, and it made me realize, that it is foolish of me to think that I know...instead of understanding that "it" is what it is, from it's own side. The situation is actually neutral and I make it into what I think it is...good or bad. It's wild when you can actually wrap your head around it..now i just have to work on remembering this from moment to moment.

July 19, 2010
Lessons of Reflection
Interfering

Each of us is on our own path and we all learn differently. Because of this it is important to not interfere with another’s path of growth.

When we care about people, we want to save them from pain by offering them the benefit of our experience. Sometimes we feel like we know what is best for them. Sometimes, like when their safety is involved, we need to step in, but those times are rare. More often we find ourselves becoming frustrated when our close friends or family members do not use our relationship insights or follow our dietary advice, and this is where we find our challenge. We may even find ourselves becoming angry when they choose another path. This strength of feeling is usually a sign that our motivations go beyond merely helping another to indicate that there is a lesson there for us.

First, we need to keep in mind that each of us is on our own path and that we all learn differently. When we trust the universe, we know that there is a higher power at work that knows what is best for our loved one. Since we do not want to deny them experiences of deep feeling that are essential steps in the growth of their spirit, we can instead offer them our counsel. After we have given our gift, it is time to release it, along with our expectations of them and their choices, with love.

Once that is done, we can remind ourselves that our relationships are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly in the reflection. That is why it is easier for us to see solutions to other people’s problems than to see answers for our own. We can also learn from these experiences when we ask ourselves if we ever do the same thing. Maybe we do not share experiences with relationships, but we do with our finances or our food choices. In being willing to look at ourselves and see why we are being irritated by what other people choose to do with their lives, we can be like an oyster and make irritations into pearls. With these pearls of wisdom, we learn to release the desire for control over others and instead enrich their lives as we enrich our own.

A day all to myself

I decided to not make any appointments today, and make this a day all to myself. I got up to the sound of my roomie banging one of his girls, so I got up and got ready for yoga...I sent him a message saying "Hey Dirk, since you're up, want to move her car?" but he didin't get it, so I had to ask him on the way down...I think boys are just dense. Yoga was great, I am still working on the the letting go of things...letting go of the pain and resentment. Yesterday was a rough day, I was really bothered by the memory of when my brother and I got into an argument in Columbia and how my family handled it...or should i say, didn't handle it. I think that is something that bothers me so is this lack of recognition when something wrong happened, it was like no one wanted to look at it, face it, deal with it...it was just swept under the rug...and I have to figure out how to forgive completely for all of it, and move on.The book I have been reading, "How Yoga works" is really helping with that...it is helping me to understand the "Big picture" and even though I may not be able to put it all into practice 24/7...it is something that I can work on a little everyday and just gradually get better at.

So after yoga, I picked up some fruit and nuts from work and drove to Sullivan's. It looked like it was going to rain, but it held up for 4 beautiful hours....I was able to get some sun and read my book which was perfect. I also ended up meeting people from the Charleston Rugby team, as the day progressed they kept asking me to meet them out, and finally I just left...not mad or anything but just wanted to be on my own...Then I came home, showered and made some delicious spaghetti for jules and I tomorrow night after work, It's always better when it sits. I read some more of my book and then I got a phone call from Marty's friend Bulldog who was asking me questions about Hargray and how much it sold for back in 2007...it seems it may be selling again. I told him I wasn't sure, I guess it just bugs the shit out of me that he somehow thinks that's okay...just like Duke thought it was okay to be inappropriate, neither of which would have happened if Marty knew how to draw boundries with his friends....I mean, why does Bulldog have my number? And that's another subject, I know I am not practicing yoga very well when I say this, but I am fuming in reference to Marty....He hurt me the other night in a phone conversation, and we have been supposed to talk...he was coming up to Charleston in the morning for work, but they didn't book him enough clients so I got a text from him today saying such but nothing about "When would you like to talk?" or anything like that...just some surfacy hope you are doing well, this is what I have been doing, or not doing....I know it shouldn't but it PISSES ME OFF! I put so much fucking energy and love into him and that relationship and he acts as if everything should just always be okay and I should just fucking roll with whatever he throws or doesn't throw my way. This is my own stupid fault for letting him stay here when he came up. It's easy for him to walk away from me, this, all of it....and it just hasn't been that easy for me...and I try to do the friends thing, but even that is on his fucking terms. I know, we are supposed to be selfless creatures...and that is the point, but their is a fine line between being selfless and being a doormat....I feeling a bit more like the latter.

And I wonder, is this all about me??? Do I actually want too much from people? Do I hope for too much and then when it doesn't happen I am let down.? I just finished watching the movie "Leap Year" and as silly as it may sound, I want that. I want someone who gets me. Who inspires me, and yes, at times may infuriate me, but I am sure I will do the same to them but you keep moving in the same direction. You see that they give, so you give a little...you see that they need to overcome something, so you nudge them a little, they see that in you, so they nudge you...you see that they need space, so you give it too them, and so on, and so on....but I think that Marty never really wanted that with me...He wants to be with someone, yet he wants to be an island entire of itself. Doesn't work for me....and I guess that is all that matters, is what works for me...and he has to find what works for him, and it's not me. But does that mean there can't be a friendship? I don't know, I just know that i am not putting forth so much effort anymore. I actually could have made plans tonight and I didn't because I wanted to get up and go to breakfast with him and i understand, things change...but a phone call is too much to ask....he had to do ebay today.... I won't be doing that anymore. One day I will learn.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between

holding a hand and changing a soul And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and  company doesnt mean security And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contacts and presents arent promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with grace of an adult not grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of walking away from you. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if  you get too much So plant your own garden and decorate your own  soul, instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers..

And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong          and that you really do have worth And you learn and learn with every good-bye you learn. "

I like the version Kerilyn gave me years ago better, but that's pretty close.  So it's 11:30 on a 

saturday night...it's raining here, it sounds beautiful. I am sad, for all the reasons I have listed, 

and probably a few more that i can't think of right now...but i am going to keep getting up, and doing

better each day...having faith that everything is going to work out. This hole in my heart is going to 

mend a little each day...I will be able to forgive all of those who have hurt me, and I will ask 

forgiveness for all for all of those I have hurt, but most importantly, I am going to forgive myself, for 

everything I have done wrong up to this very moment and I will add to that, that I will stop judging

myself for not having it all figured out, for not having all of the answers and for not, always doing the 

"right thing" or "everything right" I am LETTING GO!!  I will keep saying the serenity prayer until it 

sticks in every part of my being. 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the 

things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I will close in saying...i know I am overly emotional right now..

doing all of this yoga is really "knocking on my pipes" so to speak, so 

I am probably being a little harsh, but that is where I am right now.

I write it here, to get it out, not to lash out at Marty or anyone else. 

It is my intention that this safe place will keep me from doing just that.